Heard on the hills
...(Yes they are all true) The quotes in RED are mine

(1) "Oh I hate this Cotswold mud" "But we are in the Forrest of Dean" OH! Well, I hate this Forrest of Dean mud"  

I received this e-mail today 

Dear Participant,

Regarding your Bushcraft & Survival Course;

Please note that due to the current conditions we have taken the decision to postpone the start date by one week.

And I thought we would learn how to survive in "abnormal conditions"!!!!!  

A crazy one today, thank goodness we were NOT out with the Bristol Ramblers

"What are you thinking, throwing your orange peel on the footpath?"
"It is what you are meant to do, all of the professional leaders do it"

I won't say which club, but a 'spring in a wood'  'springs' to mind near W-S-M 

"I want to get a Photo of a Kingfisher and I need to encourage them with food" "What do they eat?" "Sigh..... Fish?.....Sigh"  

"In America we call the 3rd Thursday in November 'Thanksgiving Day' What do you call it?" "Thursday"

Well at the AGM really. "How do I get the web site up?" "Try typing in Bristol Ramblers" Pretty simple really, it has been there for years  

"I did a prewalk around Nailsworth and found a beautiful woodland, but there was not really a 'right of way' I thought I could call the owner to see if we could go through there" "What is the name of the wood?" "Gatcombe Wood" Now that should give you a clue, Where does Princess Ann live?" Dear Ann on Sunday the..........  

"Doesn't Sugar loaf mountain look different from this viewpoint" "Well it would do, because that is Skirrid mountain you are looking at"  

"I don't know much about map reading or using a compass but I go walking every week and I like to put something back, that is why I like to lead a walk" "That is wonderful, excellent! Thank you Janet and all the other walk leaders who do their very best for the walking groups" 

On the phone to the walk leader: "Hi can you tell me the meeting point of the walk on Sunday? If you have the grid reference, that will be fine," "Oh, that is beyond me" Mmmm I believe there is a leaders training session soon  

In the cafe at lunch: "A black coffee please" Would you like milk or cream with that"?   

"Hello, I thought you always wore shorts in this beautiful weather" "Yes, but I am in training for Morocco"  "????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I am taking a group of children on a charity walk up Scafell Pike, we are starting at Wasdale Head, going to the stretcher post and up the 'Corridor route' " "Now, to me that seems a LONG way round to take children, don't let this woman baby sit for you!"  

"I hear that Johnny Depp is coming to live in Cadbury camp Lane" "Oh I saw him in The 'Pirates of Pensance" "I think you mean 'Pirates of the Caribbean"  

"I here you are going to Africa for your holiday" "No, we are going to Namibia" "Oh where is that"? "Africa" Oh well, I was close  

From Peter Gould:
"It's difficult to get away from the sound of traffic" "Yes. You have to drive a long way not to hear that"  

"Where are you going for your holiday"? "Nepal" "Wow, what are the hills like there"? "Have you heard of 'Everest'"? "Is Nepal higher than Everest then"? "Sigh"

Nepal 2

"Where are you going for your holiday"? "Nepal" "Have you been to India before"? "Nepal isn't in India" "What country is Nepal in then"? Another sigh "Nepal"  

"We will sit here in this field and have lunch then go on to the pub" "OK you do that, it is a COLD November day, we two will walk on 10 minutes to the pub, have a warm, have a pint or a coffee, use the toilet and wash, then see you when you get here" They got to the pub to late to go in and freezing cold
The moral is? Oh you work it out!  

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"  

"Ever stop to think and never start again"  

"Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up"  

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"  

"Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is short and friends are too few"  

"It would be a pity if the Thursday evening walks stopped for lack of leaders" "Yes, how many do you lead" "Oh I don't lead, I just follow" "I wonder where we get leaders from, is there a pool of them somewhere?"  

"I am going to cut the walk short tonight, as I am hungry" "Maybe you should have had a bite to eat before you started"

"We have been waiting 5 minutes for you to catch up" "Well, not a lot of compassion there then!"  

Leader "I have been far to generous with catch up stops today, let's carry on" "Mmm, is it possible you have been walking to fast?"  

The next three are from Maureen. "Thank you Maureen"  

Meeting up with a band of Sunday walkers: "Excuse me, I'd like to hand out these leaflets, but I notice from the gathering, that I might be speaking to the convicted (sic)..." "A captive audience"  

Leader "Look out that stile is flooded with running water, I think we should turn back". A walker out for the first time: "I think we can get through". Leader: "Well you go ahead if you like …." Thereafter all the other female walkers went across followed by the (all-male) leader. "Sexist, or what!"  

On one of the worst January days following persistent rain, the ground oozing at all its seams, four intrepid first time walkers joined, and eventually completed, a shortened 5 mile walk in Priston area. What courage! Welcome to Walking!  

"I was taking photos of people, when one of them said that he wanted something for being photographed" And so I gave him 500th of a second at f8. "I do like that one"  

"I was asked at Sydney Airport" "Do you have a criminal record" I said "No, I didn't know you still had to have one to get into Australia" "Don't try that in America!"  

Driver on the way to the start to the navigator. "Is Harptree the the East or West of Blagdon?" Navigator. "I have the map upside down, does that make any difference?" "Not really, just try adjusting your brain"

Heard in the Carpeted pub on a particularly muddy hike. "I don't have to take my boots off do I?" "Well do you take them off at home?"
And another the same day "Do you think we can eat our sandwiches in there?" "NO! Nor can you just go in and sit by the fire, use the toilet and buy nothing"

"LOOK" "What" What are we looking at? "There" "Where" "There, a Robin" "I can't see it" "No, well it flew away" "Oh no it's going to be one of those days!"  

"I am off to Exmoor tomorrow, we don't need a map because my mate has an International compass" "I must get one of those, it will save a lot of money on a GPS"  

"I feel lost without my compass" "Mmm, I know what you mean and GPS, Map, Mobile phone........."  

"Oh no! Where is my Rucksack, the cows have had it" "What's that on your back then?" "Oh, right, yes, mmm, let's go then"  

"Be a clot, start hot. Be bold, start cold" In other words, Don't start the walk warm, youwill only be taking something off in the first mile. Great advice.  

"If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us" (OK I think this one was a joke)  

"I have some spare Raspberry canes, would you like some?" "No thank you I haven't got any Raspberries!"  

"Shut your mouth Sue, there's an airplane coming!" Sue was NOT amused!  

"I phoned up to ask about the hill walk" "OK" "Will it be hilly?" (It's just possible!)  

"You let the branch go back in my face" (My fault for walking to close to the person BEHIND me!)  

"The good news is, I know where I am. The bad news is, we shouldn't be here" (Well, we all knew that!)  

"I had to go for some health tests, they said I was fine, I had good lungs, a strong heart and a big head" "WHAT!?" "Yes, but they did say that meant an ADULT head" (Phew! thank goodness for that!)  

"Hello, are you going up Ben Nevis" "No, we have just finished the West Highland Way andwe are a little tired" "Oh, we are, It's that one over there to the right isn't it?" "No, Its that one to yourleft, are you sure you have the map the right way round?" "Oh, thank you, be seeing you" (We didn't, I wonder where they went!)  

A great day on the hills isn't it" "yes, are you going to Skiddaw?" Yes, it's that one there isn't it?" "No, that's Ulluck pike, Skiddaw is over there to your left, you are not half way yet, Skiddaw will be in mist and snow today" "Oh, Oh, OH! We don't get out into the hills much, we live in Norfolk" We didn't see them again!  

"It's OK to throw banana skins in the wood, banana skins attract Peacocks" (Oh yes, there are a lot of peacocks around here! Another excuse to NOT take their litter home?)  

"Have you lived here all your life"? "No, not yet"!

"Hello" (to farmer) "Working hard then, do you get time to go outthinking?", "No I have to work 25 hours a day", "But there are only 24 hours in a day!", "Aarr, but I don't have a dinner hour!".  

"20 miles sounds a long way" (Yes it is in fact30 kilometers, so why did you come?)  

"Have you got a rain hat?" "No, I've got cotton wool in my ears" (Yes, and in your brain as well!)  

"Have you got your umbrella?""No I've got my two walking poles" (Well, theywill help keep the rain off then!)  

"Can you tell us the way to the lake?" "which lake?" "I don't know" "Well this is the Lake District and there are lots of them" "Oh, well, that one where we can chill out" "Right, up there turn right, don't stop 'till you reach Chew Valley" (Plonker!)  

"I think we will go up Great Gable today, which one is it?" "That big one, next to the pointy one" "Oh! it looks misty up there, perhaps we won't go high" (Yes, a good idea!)  

"Hill walks don't usually involve going underground! Do we count it as a molehill?" (No, it's a tunnel")  

"What's that in your trousers?""My sit mat" (Now let me explain, they were talking about his over trousers rolled up on his rucksack) "What else!"  

(1) "these "A" walks are not as hard as they are made out to be" (2)"These"A" walks are longer than they used to be"(3) "How much further?" (1)"No, they arenot.... (2)Yes, they are....(3) Under ten miles"  

"There isn't much of a breeze around today, it looks as if we will have to make our own wind" "OK but make sure you walk in front of me!"  

We were watching the 'Tour de France' "Do you know who won the stage" I asked. "Someone beginning with 'P'" "THAT'S HIM. The commentator just said it PELETON!"  

"Is that France we can see over there?" ("I think not, we are on the North Devon coast, the Welsh would not thank you for that remark!")  

"I keep getting what is called a 'nagging' program on the PC, I have one nag at home I don't want another!" (" I won't say if this was by a man or a woman"!)  

"I will be throbbing in bed tonight"! ("After walking in shorts through nettles")  

"I know where we are, I've been lost here before" ("Yes, I was here with you")  

"I don't mind the heat, I like to end the day sweaty, dirty and tired" ("Now that's my kind of woman"!)  

"I don't want to know when I am going to die but I do want to know where, because then I won't go there ("That makes sense tome!")  

"Bee keepers don't get rheumatism because bee stings protect them" "Oh! Is that true?" "Yes but they die early" (So they don't live long enough to find out then eh?)  

"Has anyone seen the leader?""He stopped at the cash machine" "Does he know his way?" (He had better because we don't)  

"I haven't seen you wearing those waterproof socks yet" "I wore them last week" Did your feet get wet?)" "No, it wasn't raining" (I wonder if he wore a waterproof coat)  

"Toilet and camera stops are about the same thing, they both have exposure problems" (Yes, the man is right!)  

"I find stiles difficult because I am left handed" (No answer to that then)  

"Oh no! we are on the wrong ridge, we should be on that one over there. It's your fault, you were talking to me" (Oh! sorry, I thought I was allowed to enjoy myself!!!!)  

"Is your waterproof breathable?" "Yes, but only if I leave it open" (right, let's hope she wears a plastic vest)"

 Where is next weeks walk?" "At the bottom of your map" What map?" "Theone you are looking at" "I'm not looking at one" "Well it would be if you were" (Oh dear, don't ask this leader for a grid reference)  

"There goes a call out waiting to happen" (Mountain rescue team watching a group of bedraggled youngsters  

"Did you enjoy the day?" "NO!" (Well, It was raining, windy, hilly, cold.........)  

"The Bristol ramblers only do 7 miles and walk around the hills" (That was before we took him on a weekend of 18 Wainwrights and 14,777 feet  

"My feet are on the wrong legs" (When scrambling)  

"I know this area like the back of my hand" (Just before getting lost!)  

"I think I know where we are but we shouldn't be there" (We weren't)  

"It's too early for lunch" (It was 12.30, it was cold I was thirsty, we were outside a pub!)  

"If you need another woman, think of me" (Talking about a group going on a weekend away)  

"The idea is to get back as soon as possible" (Where else but on an "A" walk)

"You can tell we are on Stob Ban (White Peak Highlands) because of the white quartz we are walking on" (said the leader). But we are on Mullach nan Coirean! sorry mate wrong mountain!)  

"The walk is 15 miles and 4,000 feet" (Pre-walk talk, but it was 16.5 miles and 5,111 feet)